See with Your Heart
conclusionMom's gone and it's about damn time. If she were to check up on my one more time I would have nothing. I wouldn't have done anything. It's not like I can yell at her and I would never hit her. I'd just sit here and glair like I always do cause that's all I can do. I'm so useless.
Yeah.. that sounds good. I take the pen in my hand and grab some more paper. I've written on almost all of the paper I own. I'm starting to resort to computer paper. I'd ask mom for more but
"I'm so useless" I write, "Alone in the world with people who will never understand how hollow it all seems. Alone in my pathetic existence of empty echoes and silence. Silence. Silence. Silence."
I put my pen down, happy with my work, and crumble it up into a ball and into the garbage. Mom would love to get a hold of something like that. She'd love any proof that I'm crazy.
I know what they say. The doctors. That it's all in my head. No damage done in there. All physiological. I could talk if I wanted to. But I can't! And I'm not fucking crazy. I can't talk.
I take another piece of paper out scribble on it as well, "A puppet without a voice is just a block of wood."
I don't know what half the stuff I write is supposed to mean. It just sounds good. Sounds almost sane and it's better than what my brain shouts at me. I crumble it up as well and toss it in with the others.
I can hear the doorbell ring and though I usually would ignore it, it's almost four meaning it's Miyako with my school stuff. I get up out of my chair and walk to the door. The first patch of spiky, burgundy hair to catch my eye sent the door slamming shut and my breath to quicken and catch in my throat.
"Takeru!"
Oh god.. it really is him...
"Takeru.. I.. I have your books and your work. I know I'm not Miyako.. sorry if I scared ya...will you let me in?"
I wanted to yell at him to leave me alone through the door but, well, obvious reason why I didn't. Couldn't. I stared at the door, pretending I could see him put the books down and walk away. I hope he just walks away.
"Takeru... please... you can't ignore me forever."
Yes I can! I can... wait.. is that what I'm doing? Ignoring him? Avoiding him? God, I can't think strait. There are just so many voices in my head. I can't remember which one is mine anymore. Do I want to ignore him? Do I? Why? God, what's wrong with me...
"I'm sorry.. bad idea.. I just thought maybe.. well, I wanted to check up on you."
A thick sound fell on the door and I backed away, "God, Please, Takeru... I'm so worried about you... will you please just let me see you. I'll just give you the papers and leave if you just let me see you."
I don't know. His voice sounded so sad. I guess something in me gave way. At least all the voices agreed. I turned the handle and opened to door. My breath hitched.
His face was paler than I remembered and his eyes.. I couldn't look at them. They hurt. His hair was shorter and looked a little funny with such big goggles and little hair. He held my stuff in one arm with his own over his back in the pack he had with him. He smiled at me. I think. His lips moved but his eyes remained calm and dim.
"Hi." He shifted the weight of the books, "Um.. where do you want them?"
I started to just motion for him to hand them to be but my arms were already pointing towards my bedroom. Damn limbs. Daisuke walked in, looking around steadily as he entered the apartment and I closed the door behind him. Again, my limbs seemed to be self-motivated as I followed him into my room and took a seat on my bed. I watched him place my things on the desk and scratch the back of his head uneasily.
"So.. is your mom here?"
Smart. Yes or no questions. I shook my head and kept the small smile hidden inside. It took my mom a good week to get used to wording her questions in a yes or no fashion. Daisuke is a lot smarter than he looks.
"Oh. So.. do you want me to leave now..."
I really wish he hadn't asked that question. Most of me wants to see him. The part that was afraid to see what the accident had left of him is silent now and doesn't exactly argue either point. I guess the only answer is a simple shrug.
"If it's alright with you then, I'd like to stay." He mumbled the last part, almost as if he was rushing the words, "Listen.. I want to know?.there's something I've?About the accident... I.." he was tripping up big time now and his face showed every sign of it. He sat down at the desk and took my pen. He started to write.
I started to feel insulted. I'm not sure why. It was my pen and my precious paper he was using. But I guess the real problem I had was that he felt he had to write to me. He had a voice, why can't he just use it? Like a normal person.
Daisuke turned around and handed me the paper, his face a little redder but the color reminded me more of the old Daisuke's complexion. I took the paper and thought about just ripping it to shreds but the brief passing before my eyes caught a glimmer of words I wanted to see. So I took it in hand and began to read.
"Takeru,
I remember the crash. Most of all though, I remember your hand. When I was sleeping in the hospital, I thought I was still holding your hand. It made me stronger and kept me alive. When I woke up and you weren't there, I was scared. I've wanted to see you so badly since then. Even though people told me you were okay I wanted to see for myself. I'm sorry I came over like this, without an invitation or anything. And I'm sorry I couldn't say this to you. I kept making it sound more stupid than it already does. Thing is, I really like you, Takeru. Please don't ignore me. I want to be here for you.
Love,
Daisuke"
Love. I really like you. I want to be here for you. What, does the guy have? A key to my fantasies? I mean.. it's beautiful... like him.
He looks really scared. Our eyes meet and though I want to look away from them, I don't. I try not to flinch and I think I succeeded.
"I'm dying here, Takeru. Will you write me something back?"
I shook my head and stood up, taking the letter and letting it fall to the ground. His face fell with it and I think his heart did too. But I stepped closer to him, my arms going around him and pulling us together in a warm embrace. His arms were around me in no time and his head nestled into my shoulder.
"Takeru! When the first hit came and everything was happening, all I could think of was what was going to happen to you. I was so afraid I'd loose you!"
His tears ran down and soaked into my skin, warm and healing. I can feel rivers running down my face as well but I'm not sad. I pet his head, feeling the short hairs tickle my skin ruffly, like a fathers bearded when he leans down and kisses you. So I did. I turned my head and kissed him on the head, the tingly feeling of his hair giving me goosbumps. But it's not enough.
I pushed him away from me just a tad, enough to make his head raise and a look of disappointed curiosity cross his face. Then, quickly, I darted my face to meet him, my lips adorning the corner of his mouth in a chaste kiss. As I pulled away, his head turned and followed my lips, his on mine now with his unslung arm reaching up to grasp my face. The heart of his body pressed against mine, my arms roaming his body, one sneaking up his shirt to run over the smooth skin.
It was like a dream. He tasted of what sunshine and laughter must be made of, sweet and soulful, drowning me in passion and need.
He pulled back this time, breathing hard and dipping down to kiss the hallow of my neck, his tongue darting out and making me moan.
"I couldn't let you die without knowing how I felt about you, Takeru, " me whispered, his breath cool over the wetness he lavished upon my neck, "I wanted to tell you then but it happened so fast. At least we were holding hands."
I nuzzled against him, trying to find the words to respond but only finding emptiness. As usual. I can't even tell the one I love that I love him! Still, remembering what he said, I pulled his hand towards me, intertwining our fingers and kissing each place that our fingers touched. I could feel him trembling. I tightened my grip on his hand, sending three hard squeezes with a message. I. Love. You. Something my family used to do when words were not allowed or the moment called for action.
A message, no, a proclamation of my emotions. I know he'll understand. He can see into my heart.
His face lights up, that or the room become increasingly dimmer. Without pause, he sends back four squeezes in reply. I. Love. You. Too.